It’s a story about years of struggle, finally resulting in a breakthrough, a decision, and ultimately triumph.
Confidence on the outside, but broken on the inside. To everyone else, I was self-assured and had my life together, but inside, I was broken. I struggled to find my own passion and purpose. Sure, my career had taken me places, I had great friends, I was fun to be around (at least I thought I was), and I was always available to lend advice or a shoulder to lean on.
But, the struggles within, held me back from accomplishing all I wanted… I could feel it. There was more to life and I desperately wanted to feel whole and truly happy. I portrayed happiness and strength, but inside I crumbling, trying to do it all on my own with no clear direction… no master plan.
Weight (in looking back, I thought so) was at the root of it all, as well as the physical pain I endured, lack of energy, and frustration with not being able to figure it all out. If only the weight would come off I thought.
“If only I could manage to lose this extra weight… the pain would go away, I would feel great, have more energy, and be happy.” This is the mantra I told myself day in and day out.
Product after product, drink after drink, diet after diet… nothing did the trick. Nothing performed the “magic” I wanted it to. "What was the problem"? I would ask myself. There were times I would lose some weight, but revert back to my “old” ways and the weight would creep back on. Diets wouldn’t work because I didn’t know how to eat and had very little guidance. Sure, there were books to read, websites read, and even TV shows watched, (I did it ALL) but when you are broken inside, those don’t make sense enough to create lasting changes. I later found that I needed to take care of my "inner self" before the outer was every going to change for good.
My self-esteem was shot, I was just managing day to day, and I was 40(ish) years old. What in the heck was going on? Aren’t you supposed to have it all together by this age?
In order to cope with life, I had resorted to drinking too much. Still functioning and getting along, but I was drinking nearly every day, always to push back the pain. Any chance I had to indulge, I would, making every excuse in the book as to “why this was a great time to have a drink”. Also in my arsenal were pain pills. My back was in bad shape, and from what I had been told time and time again, and believed, it would be this way for the rest of my life. Again, I later found out that I had complete control over this "diagnosis of osteoarthritis" and I would eventually have very little back pain... ever!
I would just have to manage… and that I did… by use of pain pills for the most part. Sure, the stretching routine I knew I needed to do, helped some, but heck, it was much easier to pop a pill or have a drink. Right? The chiropractor helped on occasion, but it was short lived.
The days dragged on, the responsibilities of life became more demanding… and I was functionally depressed. There is such a thing…
While on the surface it might seem like a high-functioning depressive is powering through and triumphing over their mental illness by brute character alone, the details of that fight are much more grisly than some people might realize.
I was not clinically diagnosed, but as I look back now, this described me to a T.
I was functioning and managing to take care of my family and obligations, but inside I was battling tough demons.
And not that I was trying to make things worse, because I ultimately thought this would help me lose weight (finally), I purged on those occasions where I ate too big of a meal, was at a party where food was sitting out, or just felt like what I ate shouldn’t be in my body. This went on for years, on and off, without anyone knowing. I became very skilled with the “dance” of making an exit to the bathroom or excusing myself from the table while dining out…. so I could come back and finish my meal! It could happen anywhere, anytime.
The guilt of consuming too much food was overwhelming and the only way to get rid of the guilt was to purge. There was a euphoric feeling right after, but then that guilt quickly set in. This is not right, I shouldn’t be doing this to my body she thought, but the next time came and it was no different.
It was a never-ending cycle and I was so tired of fighting. Knowing there was a better life, a life I deserved to have, but unable to figure out how to get there. There was a lot of love in my life, but the love for myself was absent. Mothering my teenager was difficult because of my own insecurities, my marriage suffered very rocky stretches of time where I didn’t know if it would survive, and other relationships suffered.
Some days were good, really good… but I was always, always, always, beating myself up for not living up to the standards of what I thought I should be.
There had to be a way out of this torture I felt it every day, but what? What was going to finally pull me out of this state of being and enable me to fulfill all I wanted to do and be?
I found the what would be the start of my journey into finding myself, loving myself, and ultimately being able to help other women do the same. For whatever reason, but I truly believe God has his hand in it, I found a group of wonderful people, a solid program to help with nutrition and exercise, and the strength to make it one more day.
The strength to say, “I will commit”. The strength to make it one more day without a drink, without a pill, without purging, without beating myself up. The strength to make it one more day to say “I did it”. I made it one day, two days, three days…. and by day 10 my life had changed.
I knew I would never be the same again… and I'm not.
I am strong, confident, self-assured, and have complete control over my life.
It all started with the decision one day to finally let go and commit to make a change because I was tired of fighting the battle.
Goals and dreams are alive. My marriage is thriving and gets stronger every day. Everything in my life is better (health, career, mindset, love, friendships, finances) and I owe it all to the lifestyle I committed to, and the personal growth I engage in every day.